Hillarious post from Jason Kirk

I just read a post over on Jason Kirk's Catching The Antichrist blog. Some of you may remember him as the guy who was responsible for introducing us to Charlie Tuttle and raising awareness about his untimely death during this year's WSOP.

We've all felt this way, haven't we?:


Poker players were once notorious for not giving up the secrets of how they were able to make so much money. Then Doyle Brunson published Super System and everything changed. Professionals trip over each other trying to be first to the press with new books these days - and why not? Thanks to the poker boom and the resulting influx of new players here’s a huge market for poker books that just wasn’t there in the past.

Well, readers, I’ve decided I want to get in on this action too. Unfortunately I don’t have the cachet those pros have, so I can’t make any money from delving into it. But for you, dear readers, I’ve decided that letting you in on my secrets is more important than money. I’m dedicated to making the world a better place. So, without further ado, here are:

JASON’S SECRETS OF NO-LIMIT HOLD’EM: HOW TO LOSE

1. Build an early chip lead.

“What?” you say. “How could I not win this way?” Slow down, little soldier. Many things in poker are counterintuitive - and this is one of them. I’m constructing a formula here and you’re getting ahead of it. Have patience, young one. Building an early lead is crucial for scaring opponents away from confrontations with you - if you don’t go to the trouble of building a chip stack you won’t be prepared for Step #2.

2. Go card dead.

Whatever you do, don’t catch any cards once you’ve built your stack. You’ll be forced to put bets into pots that you might actually win. How are you going to lose if you win? Keep your eyes on the prize. Nobody ever lost by trying to win. Make sure you fold at least five orbits’ worth of horrible cards in a row. Time your steal attempts for junctures where the players on your left have good hands, so you can bleed your chips more efficiently.

3. Catch good cards - but make sure you don’t get called.

This is probably the most important part of the formula. By raising with your good hands after being card dead and thus getting no callers, you can be assured that you’ll never get maximum value for your monsters. Getting this value will kill your chances of losing. Don’t even think about limping in with the hope of re-raising - if you’ve decided to wimp out by Step #3, you’re never going to learn to be a proper loser.

4. Make a badly-timed steal for all your chips.

It may be necessary to collude on this step to insure your opponent has a real hand. Don’t listen to those people who call collusion unethical or cheating or illegal - a loser does what he has to if he plans on losing with maximum efficiency. Many people lose their will to lose at this point. We call those people quitters.

Step #4 is gut-check time. You have to ask yourself: Do I really have what it takes to lose? Am I truly committed to the long-term path of losing? If the answer is no, by all means join the quitters. Losing isn’t for everyone. I would tell you there is no shame in quitting, but there is. Most people learn to deal with it in time, however, and chances are that if you quit the albatross will only hang around your neck for a short time.

If you ask yourself these questions and you find yourself answering “yes,” it’s time to steal. Try to find a hand like Q-3 or J-5 - something with little chance to win a pot - and make a normal-looking raise with it. Be certain that one of the blinds is holding a real hand (this is where collusion may become necessary). When he re-raises you, simply push all your chips to the middle and watch him call you immediately. You’ll feel a rush of joy when you realize you’re less than 15% to win the hand, a rush that only intensifies as your chances of winning drop closer to (and eventually reach) 0. That’s the Joy of Losing(TM).

5. The Joy of Losing(TM)

Learn to take pride in the Joy of Losing(TM)- it is one of the few rewards a loser will find on his thankless path which others will never experience. With plenty of dedication, you’ll be able to find ways to experience the Joy of Losing(TM) with greater frequency. Your neighbors will envy you. Other players will be amazed at the attitude you maintain in the face of what they consider disgrace. Plenty of people will laugh at you. Pay these non-believers no mind. They will never understand what losing is really all about - and really, they probably couldn’t if they tried. Always remember, the best things in life are often the most difficult to obtain. Stick to your guns and you, too, can learn how to lose.